185/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Day three with the lost dog. He’s cute, but we’re sick of him and excited to find his real mommy.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

184/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Day two with the dog. No chip, no collar, no calls yet.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

Originally published at little black duck. You can comment here or there.

It's coming for you ...graphic © MontiLee Stormer

It occurs to me that as I get ready to begin the LBBP, I lack just about everyone’s address. Some of you have moved, some of you I’d never known where you’ve lived, some have even resurfaced from the witless protection program (the witless need protection from me too, so I’m right there with you).

If you expressed interest, shoot me an address where the book can find you to author [at] montileestormer dot com. I’ll have a final list as well as order as soon as I have every’s address.  This is the address where you think you will b e when the book hits your door. Deadline for addresses is Tuesday, July 7, 2009

LBB hits the post next week and it wants to be your friend.

183/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Today’s adventure: found a dog. No collar, no leash, running up and down the road. Poor thing is terrified and cries for his mommy. Left ad on craigslist, put in newspaper, put signs up, called leasing office for our place.. nothing. Hoping someone calls soon. He is someone’s well loved baby.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

Together, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

John and I.
This is the photo we sent all of our family.
Taken a while back, finally got around to getting it online today.

2006:

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

182/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Benji’s 4th birthday!

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

181/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Had the window open all day and evening. It was so nice.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

Up (and 180/365), originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Monday’s gorgeous baby! PsiU’s should know who she is.
Blogged: http://www.stylizedportraiture.com/10-months-cute/

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

Originally published at little black duck. You can comment here or there.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I hear moaning from beyond my front door.  Immediately I think it’s my across the hall neighbor, who frankly kicking the can like she used to. The moaning is low and it’s pained and I only have a moment to panic and think, “dear god, she’s doing to die in front of my door” before I refocus. Of course, I can’t find my phone, which I would have surgically attached to my hand if only the doctors would drop the whole “ethics” thing.  I haven’t had a land line in about ten years, and now I realize this is what AT&T was planning all along, when they seemed so eager to be rid of me.  Well played, AT&T, well played.

There is a clatter. My neighbor keeps an end table by her door for packages, the newspaper, and little garden gnomes that used to be impaled by sticks in the front flowerbeds until the kids down the street ran them over.  Her little decorative sentries have hit the floor because she’s stumbled from her apartment in an effort to get my attention.  I search for my phone in the three places I knew it might be, the moaning outside my door getting louder and more pained.  The phone isn’t on the couch or in the bathroom or even in the freezer - I found it there once, and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s hiding behind my laptop as they like to keep each other company, my little phone thoroughly impressed by my laptop’s massive hard drive and fast operating speed.  I cannot blame it and I bless the union, but the tryst will have to wait.

Phone in hand I’m already composing what I’ll say to the 911 operator. I’ll be cool and calm.  Steely-eyed under pressure, that’s me.  They’ll play it on the evening news, it’ll be so steady, a paradigm of grace under pressure. Tomorrow morning’s headlines will read LOCAL WRITER SAVES NEIGHBOR, NATION GRATEFUL.

My hand on the front door, finger poised to pressed send the moaning comes again - and I halt. Is that rhythm? Cadence? Is that a melody?

I listen harder, pushing aside thoughts of my neighbor clutching her chest and turning purple and I really listen.

Mariah Carey?

I brush back the paisley neckerchief covering my tiny front door window and I see my mail carrier, setting the little sentries on top of a package. She’s rifling through her stack of letters and flyers to separate my mail from the rest of the neighborhood’s, large waterproof headphones covering her ears. 

She is butchering Mariah Carey’s Vanishing.  I think, I honestly don’t know, but that’s what my mind was trying to piece together, trying to make sense of the wounded animal noises. I stifle a giggle and let the makeshift curtain fall over the window. I knit up a few rows of front neck decreases for a vest to release some of the adrenaline and I giggle some more. I’d let my imagination get the best of me.

And it was fun.

Without perception, writers wouldn’t be able to see the mundane as extraordinary and we wouldn’t be able to craft the tales that draw you into our world.  When you see antenna on the tops of homes, you might link Luddites clinging to the 20^th Century.  I see a plot by the Devil to reclaim rural America. You see a pile of broken discarded doll babies missing arms and eyes, and see trash. I see broken discarded souls.  You see a plate of spaghetti and think lunch.  I think Atropos has been busy today Atē will be thrilled.

This is why I write. I want you to have as much fun as I do.

179/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Best damn grapes I have ever had.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

178/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Diet coke and Doritos was the highlight of the day. I was lazy.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

Special Delivery (and 177/365), originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Another try with the bubble wrap. The box says ‘Stork Enterprises’. Totally Claire’s idea.
Bigger: farm4.static.flickr.com/3653/3663248459_6d9a5005f5_o.jpg

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

176/365, originally uploaded by Heather-L.

Studio day. Lots of appointments.

Originally published at Incidents and accidents. You can comment here or there.

• 13:47 car which is really small SUV may not qualify for the CARS program. It is a 4x4 SUV that gets 22MPG -doesn't meet the 18mpg passenger car. #

Originally published at little black duck. You can comment here or there.

My name is Dick Hollman. In Oct. 2003  (Sept of 1999  or 1991 is what the older letters say) my car was stolen, and my apartment was broken into. Bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn’t believe. I was laid off and my unemployment insurance ran out. In the following days I received a letter telling me how I could make over $800,000 any time I wanted to! Of course I was very skeptical, but I was so desperate and had nothing to lose, so I gave it a try. In Jan 2004 my family and I want on a ten-day cruise. In Feb. I bought a new Cadillac with cash. Today I am building a second home in Virginia and I will never have to work again.

THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER

Except it totally is. The only thing this lacked was the success and failure stories - lottery winnings for those that do or death for those that don’t, but it did tell me I had to “follow the instructions carefully and exactly“.

The scam money-making opportunity is simple:

1. Send a dollar to the six people on the list
2. Move each name up removing name #1 and adding your name at #6
3. Make 200 copies of this letter (which by the way is five [5] pages long) and purchase a mailing list of 200 names from a mailing list company at $45/pop. The letter conveniently supplies the mailing list company’s url and phone number. Don’t worry, major credit cards are accepted and it ships the next day! Plus - the labels are self-adhesive, and Dick gives helpful instructions  on how to make them work (”You just peel and stick them right on the envelopes!“)
4. Wait patiently for the list to arrive, all the while imaging the wonderful things you’ll spend your new wealth on.
5. Mail your letters and wait by the mailbox for your cash to come rolling in in 20 to 90 days! It helps to hold your breath.
6. Repeat as often as necessary

This letter is filled with percentages and math so you know it’s legitimate and NOT A SCAM.

Except it totally is. I believe the proper term is “ponzi scheme”

It even helpfully cites US Postal laws (Title 18 sections 1302 and 1342), both of which tell you exactly why this is illegal.

In the testimonials, one my favorite lines:

“I have tried many ‘Business Opportunities’ and none panned out. I promised my wife that this was the last thing I would try and if it didn’t work I accept the fact that I would have to work a JOB my whole life and give up on my dream life.”

First I went online to see about other suckers, and sure enough this letter is *still*making the rounds to newsgroups, message boards and home mailing addressed. There seem to be an equal number of detractors and suckers. That people actually post to boards and ask if it’s real and legitimate makes me weep for my future -  who will I get my latte from now?  I suppose what’s really funny (and kinda sad) is that someone thinks $800,000 is a lot of money and can finance a sustainable lifestyle for the rest of someone’s life. I suppose if wisely invested, $800,000 could carry someone for a few years, but knowing what I do about Americans (especially *these* Americans) and their insatiable drive to BUY STUFF, $800,000 would get them through the end of a year, the majority of their cash lost to the wife of a Nigerian Prince who contacted them IN ALL CAPS because she needed the money to get her husband’s tent out of hock or something.

There is actually a bigger idiot out there that has a “breakdown” of his costs;

-The cost for copier paper was a penny for each page, five pages total in each envelope. $0.05.
-The cost for each envelope was the same as what went in them. $0.05.
-I used Avery labels, for my return address, they are the best ones and do not smudge. You may find cheaper ones out there. I used the smallest one possible, 80 per page. The cost for each return mailing label was $0.15.
-The postage required for five pages in a “#10 security envelope” did not exceed the regular postage price of $0.41.
-I did use copiers that I have at my disposal. I did not go to a copy store. I mailed 2000 pieces that totalled 10,000 pages copied. The cost of the cartridge for my printer, which will produce 15,000 copies is $124.00. The cost for this portion, ink, per page, is less than $0.01.
-The cost for my mailing labels, when broken down per piece, totalled $0.06.

Wow, those numbers looks so small - how could you lose? Easy, and I’ll even use a calculator (numbers based on the above total mailing):

• Copy Paper ($500.00)
• Envelopes ($100.00)
• Labels ($300) - here he gets ripped off because you can buy a box of 100 address labels for $6.22 so 2,000 would be $125.00
• Postage for 2,000 envelopes at $.41/ea ($820.00) - and that was before the postage went up.
• Copiers/printers/ink ($124.00)

Grand Total: $1,820.00 for this idiot - that’s initial outlay. There really is a sucker born every minute.

For the average sucker, it somes to about $150, which includes two boxes of 100-count envelopes (2.50), copies at Fed-Ex Kinkos ($10.00), list from Data Line One ($45.00), postage, now at $.44 ($88.00), and a few bucks for gas.

I cannot tell you how pissed off I am that this arrived at my house last week, and  I have been chasing around in my mind all of the callous and evil things I could do to the six people who’s names appear on this letter, each expecting a dollar from me and other people who get this and future letters. I am beyond irritated. 

As it’s a scam and illegal and I will be turning this over to my US Postal inspector. The only winner here is Datalineone.com and Dick Hollman is probably an enterprising salesman looking to spur a little growth. I’ll bet he got a raise and everything.

So:

• Mark Whitacre, Huntington, IN
• Sean Whitehorn, Tempe, AZ
• Juile Loflin, Arlington, TN
• Linda Hellstron, Kincheloe, MI
• Chris Dunbarm Battle Creek, MI
• Lisa Jameson, Greenfield, IN

Please enjoy your tens of dollars. I hope you ego surf and find your name on this page.  Thank your gods I didn’t post your address, because seriously I have an evil streak that’s a mile wide. Thanks for letting people like me who work for a living finance your dream of doing nothing.  To be so burdened with the mere thought effort must be crushing to your very souls, and I hope you find enough suckers like yourselves to at least cover the cost of your initial and subsequent mailings.

Anyone else get one of these recently?

• 11:31 Computer crisis averted (for now). Cleared CMOS and things seem to be working again (for now). No, not my computer, by the way. #
• 21:54 Kinda wanna go out tonight. No one to go with. *sigh* #
• 21:54 (And there's that whole money thing, heh.) #
• 23:26 Mom just called from hospital. Still there a week on, multiple clots in lungs. :( Still can't fly to see her. *nervous sigh* #

• 09:01 Yesterday was fun. shopping with my friend got a microwave omelet maker & a new pair of reeboks on clearance (fav word) for $29.94. Score! #
• 11:25 A bath for 2 doggies and a shower for me... now to clean the bathroom.. what a disaster, but everyone smells & looks purty! #
• 14:02 bit.ly/X2IL9 Wow Billy Mays dead.... RIP - I'm not a big fan but he was only 49! What is going on! #
• 14:49 @raine1967 LMAO @ mighty putty #
• 15:09 Only in America. Can a guy from anywhere. Go to sleep a pauper and wake up a millionaire ..Earworm time... good thing I don't hear it often #
• 15:42 @DixieJo719 I like your kind of nightcap! #
• 20:08 Walked with hubby tonight and had seafood and an awesome Chardonnay for dinner... oh a salad too - gotta have something healthy! #

• 13:06 Skold vs KMFDM is a pretty good CD so far. :) #
• 13:07 Oh, and while I'm thinking of it, I *really* love it when coworkers come in smelling of pot. *eyeroll* #